A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh my god, I'am soooorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."|
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning.
When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
Was heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando. "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.
If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."
A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull over for speeding. As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy."
The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no more."
Josh was helping Sally the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit." Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.
Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."
Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"
Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."
As Mike walked into the office on Monday morning, a co-worker asked, "How was your weekend, Mike?"
"I played a round of golf... I hit two of my best balls," he replied.
"Tell me about it," asked his co-worker.
"Well, er, I stepped on a rake."
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful ambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.
She said "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'"
At the Niagara falls...
Guide: "I welcome you all to the Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest WaterFalls and the sound intesity of the WaterFall is so high, the sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can't be heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the waterfalls??...."
Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?
A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.
Mother: "How's your history paper coming?"
Son: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it's been very helpful.
Son: "Yes, so far I've located 17 people who sell them!"
A man walks into a french restaurant and asks the waiter, "Do you serve snails here?"
"Ah, but of course!" replies the waiter.
"Ok", says the man, "I'll have the steak, and my little friend here will have the garden salad."
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing Florida lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."