What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Journal!"

The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel -- all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news. Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money... the Jews control the banks... the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood. Better to read nothing but good news!"

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"

The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab,lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."

Again, a flawless read.

"Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Animal Puns Petey was a snake, only so big. Petey lived in a pit with his mother. One day, Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother said, "Petey, don't hiss in the pit. Go outside the pit to hiss."
So, Petey went outside of the pit to hiss.

Petey was hissing all around the pit when he finally leaned over and hissed in the pit. Petey's mother heard Petey hssing in the pit and said, "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs. Potts' pit and hiss in her pit."

Petey went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Potts was not at home so he hissed in her pit anyway. While Petey was hissing in Mrs. Potts' pit, Mrs. Potts came home and found Petey hissing in her pit. She said, "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit. Go to your own pit to hiss."

This made Petey very sad and he cried all the way home. When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying and said, "Petey, what's the matter?"
Petey said, "I went over to Mrs. Potts to hiss in her pit but Mrs. Potts was not at home so I hissed in her pit anyway. Mrs. Potts came home and found me hissing in her pit and said, "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go to your own pit to hiss. Don't hiss in my pit."
This made Petey's mother very angry and she said, "Why that mean old lady. I knew Mrs. Potts when ... she didn't have a pit to hiss in!!!"

When I speak to a telemarketer I tell them Florida lawyer has advised me not to buy anything until my bankruptcy case is settled. They don't call back.

Dear IRS,

I would like to cancel my subscription.
Please remove me from your mailing list.