An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Rev. Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops -- in shock.|
What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Journal!"
The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel -- all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news. Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money... the Jews control the banks... the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood. Better to read nothing but good news!"
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab,lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Petey was a snake, only so big. Petey lived in a pit with his mother. One day, Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother said, "Petey,
don't hiss in the pit. Go outside the pit to hiss."
When I speak to a telemarketer I tell them Florida lawyer has advised me not to buy anything until my bankruptcy case is settled. They don't call back.
I would like to cancel my subscription.