A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace".|
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
'Congratulations on your new location'"
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'"
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd.
One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up.
When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him:
"Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?"
He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you? ...
There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"
A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.
"What was your sin, my son?," asked the priest.
"I stole some lumber Father," replied the penitent.
"How much lumber did you steal?," asked the priest.
"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."
The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."
The penitent interrupted him,
"Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."
The priest then responded, "Now that's a little more serious!"
The penitent again interrupted the priest, "Father, I've got to get it off my chest. I built a doghouse, a 4-car garage, and a 5-bedroom 4-bath home!"
With a look of shock, the priest then responded, "Well, that is most serious. I'm afraid that you'll have to make a novena."
The penitent looked perplexed and then said, "Father, I don't know what a novena is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber."
A guy dies suddenly without writing a will. The distressed widow goes to a lawyer, explaining the problem.
Lawyer says, "Hmm, so your husband died without writing a will. Did he say anything to you before he died?"
"Yeah, he said 'Mary, you can't hit the broad side of a barn with that thing, so put it down."
"I see you bought a new car. What's the make?"
"I've never heard of a Perndle before."
"Me neither, but that's what it says, right over the steering wheel: P-R-N-D-L."