Fire and Football
A football player passes a burning building, and sees a young woman and her baby hanging out the window. The football player stops and yells to the woman, "Throw down your baby and I'll catch it!"|
The woman responds, "I can't throw my baby to you, I don't know you!"
"It's okay", shouts the football player, "I'm in the NFL, I can catch anything!"
The woman yells out "OK!" and drops the baby from the top floor. Just as it reaches about 50 ft. from the ground, a gust of wind grabs the baby and sends it flying. The football player chases after it, desperately stretching, trying to catch the baby.
By this time quite a crowd has gathered. The baby is falling towards the ground. Can he make it? The football player dives, and makes the catch!
The crowd goes wild!!!
The football player gets up, yells "All Right!!!", starts dancing...and spikes the "ball"!
Where is Jesus?
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, she gathered her wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!?"
Having a Bad Day
Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror --- wearing nothing but a camera!
Bubba from the lower valley decided he wanted to get married, and brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa over grits and gravy the other night.
A Chicago personal injury attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"
Told that it was true, the attorney turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.
"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."
A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.
"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it fuckin' stunk!" said the boy.
The Gentlemen from Krakow
A man was eating at a diner, when a well-dressed man sitting next to him said, "Excuse me for intruding, but I could not help noticing your accent. Are you from Krakow?"
"Yes, I am," replied the surprised man.
"It is so nice to meet a land kinsman here in America," said the well-dressed man. "I tell you what. I am a vice-president at the Humor Network. If you ever need a job, give me a call and I will be happy to set you up."
Six months go by, and the man loses his job, and decides to call his new friend. He had completely forgotten the man's name at this point, so he decided to take a shot in the dark.
The receptionist answered, and he asked, "Pardon me, do you have a Krakower there?"
"Sir," she replied, "we don't even get a coffee break!"