His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So what did you do?"

The second man replied, "I turned out the light."

This guy who was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket for that."

The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts.."

The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know -- I'm giving you a ticket."

The doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news for you, which would you like to hear first?"

The patient asks for the bad news first.

"I have the results of your examination of your injuries to both your feet and we're going to have to amputate right away."

"That's the bad news? what could the good news be?"

"See that man in the lobby?"

"Yeah," says the patient, "What about him?"

The doctor looks at the patient with a grin, "He wants to buy your shoes!"

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"

Brother, can you spare a gallon? A Chicago personal injury attorney, on his way home from work at the pentagon, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing is moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed that Hillary wants to leave him that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire.

He says his family absolutely hates him and he doesn't have the 33.5 million he owes his lawyers for that whole Monica thing. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."

Bumper sticker seen on a cookie delivery truck: "Driver carries no money; he's married."

Alan King once asked George Burns what sex was like for an old guy like him...

Burns replied, "It's like shooting pool with a rope!"