Need A New Job?
Do you ever feel overworked, over-regulated, under-leisured and under benefited? Take heart, this notice was found in the ruins of a
London office building. It was dated 1852|
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
The Twelve Little Bottles
I had twelve bottles of whisky in my cellar, and my wife told me to empty the contents down the sink "or else!" So I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and likewise, with the exception of the one glass which I drank. I withdrew the cork from the third bottle and emptied the good old booze down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I then pulled the cork out from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass which I drank. I then pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and rank one sink of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. I then pulled the next cork from my throat and poured the sink down the bottle and drank the glass. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the sink, and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand and counted the bottles and corks and glasses with the other which were 29. To be sure I counted them again when they came by and I had 74, and as the house came by I counted them again. Finally I had all the houses and the bottles and corks and glasses counted except for the one house and one bottle which I drank. I am not under the alcofluence of inchol, as some thinkle peep I am, nor am I half so think as they drunk I am, but I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand the lonegr I get.
As a little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
Pauly in class
The teacher said, "Now class, we know there are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, and 365 days in a year, so who can tell me how many seconds are there in a year?"
All the kids looked baffled by the question except Pauly, who raises his hand and waves it excitedly.
"Yes, Pauly, how many seconds are there in a year?" the teacher asked.
Replied Pauly, "Twelve, m'am. January second, February second, March second..."