Jokes

Its a Wacky World!

Assault with tuna charge.
SAN DIEGO -- Teach a man to fish and he will eat for the rest of his life. Give Nicholas Vitalich a fish and he will beat his girlfriend with it, police said Tuesday.

Vitalich, 24, was arrested on charges of assault with a deadly weapon. He was accused of beating his 21-year-old girlfriend with a large tuna after a grocery store argument.

"When officers got there she had a cut above her eye, bruising on her right arm and cuts on both legs, from where she was knocked to the ground," San Diego police spokesman Bill Robinson said.

Robinson said the fish was fresh, not frozen, but considered a deadly weapon in the same way shoes or teeth can be weapons.

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A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

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Tips

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of cash!

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An American walking through the streets of London, passed under Canary Wharf (London's biggest building). As he stood there looking up a kid joined him. After a while the American turned to the kid and said

"Do you realize son, that we have buildings like that in the States, only they're three times the size!".

"I'm not surprised," said the kid. "That's a Lunatic Asylum!".

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Ted just finished his training session at the local McDonald's. So he was a little nervous being behind the register for the first time. His first customer ordered a Milkshake.

"Ted," his manager said, "remember to say 'Welcome to McDonald's' to each customer before they order."

His second customer ordered a Cheeseburger. This time, the manager approached Ted again, and said, "Remember to ask each customer if they want fries with their order."

At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Ted at the register and pointed a gun in his face. "Give me all the money you got in that register kid!"

Ted took one look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly said, "Would you like that for here or to go?"

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A woman went to see her lawyer, taking with her a baby and four children under the age of five. "I want a divorce," she said.

"On what grounds?" he asked.

"Desertion, sir," she said.

"Desertion?" he asked, looking at the five young children.

"Well," she confided, "he does come home every now and then to apologize."

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Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it for yourself."

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Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"

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Päivitetty 19.10.2018 09:49
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