Glimpsing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining enthusiastically, "All the way home, God's been taking my picture!"

Judi is speaking to her psychiatrist.

Judi: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

J: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.

P: "Uh ... How's that working?"

J. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

P. "And why do you think that is?"

J. "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a Chicago personal injury attorney for my 'gator."

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

Little Johnny's mother was becoming worried. She hadn't seen her neighbor, Mrs. Goldbaum in days. Fearing the old widow may have had an accident, she decided to send Johnny next door to check up on her.

"Johnny, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldbaum is?"

"Sure Mom" he said running out the door.

A few minutes later, Johnny returned.

"Well," asked Johnny's mom, "is she all right?"

"She's fine, except that she's mad at you."

"At me?" the woman eclaimed. "Whatever for?"

"She said its none of your business how old she is."

What would they say?

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

I was driving into town when I noticed a handwritten sign in front of a shop that said "WESHI PUPS."
I know quite a bit about dog breeds, but I'd never heard of that one, so I stopped and asked the woman in the store if I could see one of her Weshi pups. She looked at me like I was crazy. I pointed to the sign out front.
"Oh,!" she said with a smile of recognition. "That says, WE SHIP UPS."

The blonde noticed a student walking up and down the street, wearing a sandwich board that read "Free Big Mac!"
Strolling over with a look of concern, the blonde asked, "Why? What'd he do?"

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."