The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"

The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with.

"Do you have a drivers license?" asks the father.

"No," says the boy.

"Are you resisting arrest?" he asks.

The boy hesitates before he says, "No,... I'm not sleepy yet."

When a young woman driving along the highway attempted to light a cigarette, her sleeve caught fire. She was able to stop the car and get out but in her panic she just stood there, flailing the air.

A State Patrol Officer stopped when he saw her and gave her a ticket.

"What's this for?" the injured woman cried as she blew out the flames.

The policeman explained, . . . "Brandishing a firearm"

Because the woman was pregnant, the case later became . . . a burning issue.

Signs on Church Property

"No Lord - No Peace. Know Lord - Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons - come hear one!"
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."
"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
"How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.

"Where's Henry?"

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."