1. The police photographer is still here, and the county medical examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner yet. Can you call back a little later?

2. You called at the right time, buster. I'll order carloads of whatever you got just to restore my credit rating. Those turkeys down at the bank go bananas over one little bounced check or two.

3. I'm sorry, the taxi is at the door right now. We're heading off on a 90 day world cruise aboard the Empress of Bermuda.

4. Well, you'll have to send the stuff to my new address. As of next Wednesday, it'll be: care of the warden, maximum security wing, Attica Correction Facility, Attica, N.Y.

5. What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you? The battery has run down on my hearing aid. Louder, please, louder. Is that the best you can do? I'm afraid we're just not communicating.

6. I'm afraid you have the wrong number. This is a funeral home or what we like to call a counseling chapel for the bereaved. Visiting hours are from 2 to 5 and 7 to 10.

7. I'm just house sitting here, buddy. The owners won't be back for a couple months. You wouldn't have a good deal on off-brand whiskeys and beer by the case, would you? Maybe a little grass or snow?

8. Too late pal. As of tomorrow, Uncle Sam will take care of all my necessities. But you might try my drill instructor at Camp Pendleton. In other words, tell it to the Marines.

9. I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any minute now. Quick someone, get some hot water. Lots of it. Sorry, gotta hurry now, don't go away.

10. Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back. The better business people said I need more positive identification to file my complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone number. Hello? Hello?

11. Well, if this ain't the living end. The furniture is out on the sidewalk; the sheriff's auction is about to begin and you want to sell me a freezer full of prime beef. Keep talking. I can dream, can't I?

12. The number you have called is a working number like you wouldn't believe. Let me make you a counter-proposal. How about the company of one of our swinging little ladies for an evening? Our personalized dating service guarantees satisfaction, and we do take credit cards.

13. Sorry to cut you off like this but Uncle Harry is choking on something.

14. The furnace just conked out, there's a foot of water in the basement and I nearly broke my neck on the kid's skate board getting to the phone. You wouldn't have a special on cyanide, would you?

15. You better talk to my wife when she gets back from Reno. This place will be all hers then.

16. The dog just died and I'm so glad to have someone to talk to...

17. Excuse me, this nice police officer, here, said that I should inform you that my phone is being tapped. Now, what kind of drugs did you say you were selling?

18. You have reached the Prosecuting Attorney's office, if you will hold on a minute, I'm SURE he'd like to talk to you.

A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites.
"Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees. Over there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers."
A tourist says, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?"
"Yes ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus."

God and St. Peter were playing Golf one day. God tee'd off and drove straight into the water. Amazingly, the water parted, he strode over to the ball and chipped it on to the green.
Suddenly, there was an earthquake and the ball rolled into the hole. On the second hole, God tee'd off and landed in a sand trap. He then created single cells that developed into a fish, then amphibians, then they evolved into reptiles, birds and furry little mammals. One of the mammals ran into the trap, grabbed the ball in its mouth and dropped it into the hole.
St. Peter turned around and said, "You going to play golf, or are you going to fool around?"

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start.

She said "fine!", hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, and I suddenly realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions...