Actual Newspaper Ad......

AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100

Customer: I'm calling about the "dime-a-minute" rate. I want to sign up for that.

Phone Company: Certainly, Sir! Just let me get some information from you.

Customer: Right, well, can you go ahead and tell me when I'll get my first check?

Phone Company: What, Sir?

Customer: Well, since you're going to give me a dime a minute, I wondered when I'll start getting paid.

Phone Company: No, Sir, we don't PAY you.

Customer: You mean this is a FRAUD?

Phone Company: No, Sir! It's just that we don't PAY you the dime a minute. Let me let you talk to a supervisor.

....long conversation with supervisor...

Phone Company: Now do you understand, Sir?

Customer: I guess so. Could we talk about the "friends-and-family" plan? I've always wanted a little brother.

Tom and Kitty Katz lived in a large home in an upscale suburb with a large pool and tennis courts. Their neighbors were a Chinese family named Mao who also had a fine home but with only a small pool and no tennis courts.

When the Katz' went on vacation they left a house key with the Maos who would keep an eye on things.

The Katz' returned a few days early and found the Maos and a lot of their extended family having a pool and tennis party. Kitty turned to Tom and said, "I guess the old saying is true. . . . WHEN THE KATZ' AWAY THE MAOS WILL PLAY."

A hillbilly and his son were sitting in front of the fire, smoking their pipes, crossing and uncrossing their legs.
After a long silence, the Father said, "Son, step outside and see if its raining."
Without looking up, the son answered, "Aw, Pop, why don't we just call in the dog and see if he's wet?"

The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.
"Property holder?" the judge asked the old perfesser.
"Yes, I am, Your Honor."
"Married or single?"
"Married almost forty years, Your Honor."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in almost forty years, Your Honor."

Reasons for Divorce

A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2

A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission."

A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."

A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house."

A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate."

In keeping with the spirit of the times, there's a new exercise class for all Mothers-in-Law. It's called aerobic nagging.