The old perfesser and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally they came into a city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the old perfesser pulled up to the curb, and MrsPerfesser let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"

The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

MrsPerfesser rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Three boajes decided to go hunting. The first one came back with a raccoon. The other boajes were amazed and asked how he got the raccoon. "Saw tracks, followed tracks, shot raccoon," he said.

The second boaj thought that this was going to be easy. He came back with a bear. The other two boajes asked how he got the bear and he replied, "Saw tracks, followed tracks, shot bear."

The third boaj, who wasn't very smart, thought that this was so easy, even he could do this. He left and came back three days later, battered and bruised. He looked awful. The other boajes asked what had happened. He said, "Saw tracks, followed tracks, got hit by train."

In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office. When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest. This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

Ah, yes, "divorce", from the Latin word meaning "to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
- Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
- Roseanne

Prison Pick Up Lines

"Damn, you are sexy in stripes."

"Is that a zip-gun carefully carved out of a piece of discarded metal found on the floor of the prison license-plate manufacturing shop in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

"You know, normally I don't give in the first 30 seconds, but I guess I'm a sucker for sheer muscle mass."

"Nice teeth. They'd look so much better on my the floor of my cell."

"Who wants to marry a multiple murderer?"

"I've been watching you from across the yard for awhile now, and I knew if I didn't work up the courage to just walk over here and ask you to be my bitch, I might regret it for the rest of my life."

One night when I dropped in at the police station on my news beat, a large, efficient-looking woman in uniform who packed a service revolver at her waist was behind the sergeant's desk. After checking the blotter, I returned to the car, where my wife was waiting for me.
"You should see the new woman on the force," I said. "She's enormous and wearing a .38."
I didn't notice the silence until my wife broke it icily with: "I wear a 38."