A British Airways employee answers the telephone and hears a female voice asking: "How long is the Concorde flight from London to New York?"

As he turns to look the information up, he says, "Just a minute."

He hears the voice on the phone say, "Thank you," and she hangs up.

Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese deliveryman is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling: "you sign, you sign".

The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door. The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting: "you sign, you sign".

Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods.

Mandela loses his temper and yells: "look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong name".

Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks: "You not Nissan Maindealer?

There was a university in New England where the students operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs and as it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade and C grade.

A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for a inconspicious C, retyped it and handed the work in.

In due course he received it back with the professor's comments "I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it should have had an A, and now I am glad to give it one!"

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made.

"For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."

"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group.

"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.

One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.

"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags".

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," Little Johnny sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.

The mother kissed him on the head, then said," That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, and have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. I don't want you...."

Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move.
"Little Johnny, you're turtle is not dead after all."
"Oh," the disappointed Little Johnny said. "Can I kill it?"

Perfesserin'

In his younger teaching days, the old perfesser injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt pretty well, and wasn't really noticeable.

On the first day of the semester, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to some of the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.

Birthday Present

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"