Jokes

Evil is all around us!

One day God was looking down on earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on earth; 95% of the people are bad and 5% are>good people.

He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel to get both points of view. So, He called a male angel and sent him to earth to see what he could find. When the angel returned, he went to God and told him, yes, the earth was in decline, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good.

God said this was not good. He decided to send an e-mail to the 5% that were good and encourage them. Something that would help them keep going. Do you know what that e-mail said?

Oh, you didn't get one, either?????

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Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. `Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.

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The new Army recruit was given guard duty at 2am. He did his best for awhile, but about 4 AM he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him. Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment, the looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"

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One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutanG was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?

"Well," said the orangutang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

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An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing," on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

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How People Think

It was an Irishman, Austin O'Malley, who said:

An Englishman thinks seated; a Frenchman, standing; an American, pacing; an Irishman, afterward.

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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job".

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted his computer. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves".

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[Etusivu] [Jokes]

Päivitetty 19.10.2018 09:54
www.Jahuu.fi 2018