Jokes

The Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time. So the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "What is this?" he asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the 9:00 a.m. or the 10:30 a.m. service????"

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Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.

He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."

Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."

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Three surgeants were one day talking about their best work ever.

The first one:

"Once, one of my cousins horribly injured his leg in a car accident. It was completely crushed, yet I managed to rebuild it, and since there was nothing I could do about the bones, I took a chance and used plastic sticks. And what do you know, today he's walking just fine!"

The other two express their amazement.

The second one sais:

"Last year my own mother lost her eyesight completely in an accident. There was really no way to make her see again, her eyeballs were completely ruined, so I took a chance and replaced her eyes with glass-eyes. I hooked them up with her nerves, and, what do you know, today she sees perfectly!"

The other two are even more amazed.

The third one goes:

"A few months ago my uncle, who's a lumberjack, accidentaly chopped off his right hand. I operated immediately and, having no other choice, replaced his hand with a rubber glove filled with sawdust. I connected it to the arm and after a few weeks, what do you know, he's using it just fine!"

"Wait a darn minute," blurts the second one, "now this story is a bit TOO MUCH! Who's ever seen something like THAT happen?"

"Your mother with her glass eyes..."

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Mother vampire to son:

"Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots!"

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Posted at a local golf club............

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

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A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter "I think I will have the turtle soup".

The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter "Hold the turtle, make it pea"

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Teacher: What is actually used as a conductor of electricity?

Johnny: Why...er?

Teacher: Wire is right. Very good. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power?

Johnny: The what?

Teacher: That's absolutely correct, the watt. Now class, you should all study diligently like Johnny here.

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[Etusivu] [Jokes]

Päivitetty 19.10.2018 09:56
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