"There, mon, ye canna show anything like that in your country."

"Oh I don't know," said the American, "I guess we can better that. Why, in my camp in the Rockies, when I go to bed I just lean out the window and call out, 'Time to get up; wake up!' and eight hours afterward the echo comes back and wakes me."

The old perfesser walked into the bar and joined a crowd of huge men lined up at the bar. He had a drink and then told the other guys that his wife had told him to come home after just one drink. Of course, the big guys all sneered and said, "What are you, a man or a mouse?"

"Heck fire, guys, I'm a man," the old perfesser said.

"What in the devil makes you so durned sure of that?"

"Well, I'll tell you," the old perfesser said. "My wife is scared of mice."

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE

1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost.
2. Both take up too much space on the bed.
3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
4. Both are threatened by their own kind.
5. Neither understands what you see in cats.
6. Both want dominance.
7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
8. Both chase cars.
9. The larger ones tend to drool.
10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you are gone.
3. You can train a dog.
4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
5. Dogs understand what "NO" means.
6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
7. When dogs play "fetch", they don't laugh at how you throw.
8. Dogs are color blind.
9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come inside.

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

1. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
2. Dogs like beer.
3. Dogs don't hate their bodies.
4. Dogs don't criticize.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs never expect gifts.
7. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had.
8. Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives.
9. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
10. Dogs don't cry.
11. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
12. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
13. Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late - the later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
14. Anyone can get a good looking dog.
15. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
16. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
17. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
18. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
19. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
20. A dog's parents never visit.

Just Earl

This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the cops. The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied, "Earl."

"You got a last name, Earl?"

"Nope. It's a long story, Officer."

"I got time." Earl sighs and says,

"Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD. I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D. After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD. So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD. When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD. The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so now I'm just Earl."

A huge half-drunk thug walks into a bar and shouts, "you all on the left side of the bar are cocksuckers and you all on the right side are motherfuckers." Suddenly a man ran from the right to the left side of the bar.
"Where are you going, squirt?" The big man asked.
"I was on the wrong side of the bar, sir!"