Henry Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."|
The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."
Kissinger responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothscild's daughter."
"Well, in that case..."
Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild.
"I have a husband for your daughter."
"But my daughter is too young to marry."
"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."
Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank.
"I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."
"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."
"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case...."
There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler. It will be called ... Poly-Warner-Cracker.
3M & Goodyear = mmmGood
John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi
Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple computer = Crab Apple
Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da
Folger Coffee & Detroit Edison & Rolex = Folderal
Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisschese
Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home
Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine
3M & JC Penny & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penny Opera
Mattel & Pacific Gold = Ma & Pa
Sears Roebuck & Rogers Cable = Buck Rogers
Cracker Jacks + Maxwell House = Crackhouse
Luvs Diapers + Hertz Rent-a-car = Luv Hertz
Knott's Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott NOW
Federal Express and UPS will become Fed Up.
A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspapers came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.
"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away."
The guard let him pass but decided to keep a close eye on him.
The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing. Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"
"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"
"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."
"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."
"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 missing wheelbarrows?"
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".