A man walks in to a confession booth and says I have sinned. What did you do asks the priest. I committed a murder.|
The priest says take a drink out of the holy cup and you will be forgiven.
A women walks in to the confession booth and says I have sinned. The priest asks her what did you do. I robbed six banks. The priest says take a drink out of the holy cup and you will be forgiven.
Another man walks in to the confession booth and says I have sinned. What did you do asks the priest.
I peed in the holy cup.
A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fasion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient.
"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."
COMPUTER QUOTATIONS* Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
* The secret of the universe is #@*%! NO CARRIER
* Did anyone see my lost carrier?
* Error, no keyboard -- press F1 to continue.
* Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
* Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
* Double your drive space -- delete Windows!
* Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
* C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
* Is reading in the bathroom considered Multitasking?
* My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit ANSI.
* Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
* Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!
* Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
* Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\
* Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
* Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...
* Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...
* Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...
* Captain! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
* C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
* ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
* How do I set my laser printer on stun?
* 'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.'
* '.... now touch these wires to your tongue!'
* According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
* It said, 'Insert disk #3,' but only two will fit!
* RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
* Computers are only human.
* This time it will surely run.
* I just found the last bug.
* The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
* It's redundant! It's redundant!
* Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.
* The programmer's National Anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'
* 'Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE'
* Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
* To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
* If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
* Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
* Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...
* Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...
* Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
* AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
* CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
* This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
* Today's assembler command: EXOP Execute Operator
* Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.
* Programming is an art form that fights back.
* Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
* My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
* Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
* To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
* Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee.
* If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.