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Double Meanings From Around The World March Planned For Next August Blind Bishop Appointed To See Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al. Diaper Market Bottoms Out Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal" Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store
Real Newspaper Headlines1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead 12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 17. War Dims Hope for Peace 18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space 23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead TOP TEN THINGS TO SAY ABOUT A CHRISTMAS GIFT YOU DON'T LIKE 10. Hey! There's a gift! 9. Well, well, well ... 8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit. 7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement. 6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires. 5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious! 4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. 3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program. 2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity. And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like: 1. "I really don't deserve this."
History Mrs. Taylor asked her 5th grade history class, "When was Rome built?" and called on Timothy to answer. "Rome was built at night." he answered. "At night?" asked Mrs. Taylor, somewhat puzzled. "Where did you ever get such an idea?" "Well," gulped Timothy, hoping his answer would satisfy her. "Everybody knows Rome wasn't built in a day."
An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi." Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi." After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you..you know...eat their...ah, err, 'things'?" The chief said, "No." "No?" asked the rescuer. "No," replied the Chief. "Things go better with Coke."
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