One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church.|
"Reverend," she said, "I have a problem. My husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In the church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!", Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
Little Johnny ran up to his Uncle's chair. "Uncle, tell me again - what do you want for Christmas?
The Uncle smiled and repeated, "I just want some peace and quiet."
Johnny's face drooped a bit as he replied "I know, but I just came back from the mall and they're out of it!
Court Room QuestionsQ. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
Q. How old are you?
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Ten Things You'll Never Hear From A Southern Boy...
10. I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex.
9. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
8. We don't keep firearms in this house.
7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
6. No kids in the back of the pickup; it's just not safe.
5. We're vegetarians!
4. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
3. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
2. You All.
1. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, darling.
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin'?"
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what would you say if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"