A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.|
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"
Flo: Why can't my mother move in with us?
Moe: Because the Bible says she can't!
Flo: Show me where it says that!
Moe: Right here, see. "No man can serve two masters!"
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
The Hairdo A man entered a barbershop and said: "I am tired of looking like everyone else! I want a change! Part my hair from ear to ear!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes! said the man.
The barber did as he was told, and a satisfied customer left the shop.
Three hours passed and the man re-enter the shop. "Put it back the way it was," he said.
"That's the matter?" said the barber. "Are you tired of being a non-conformist already?"
"No," he replied, "I'm tired of people whispering in my nose!"
A New Yorker was flying to Los Angeles and when the airliner reached Arizona the announcement was made that they were now passing over the Grand Canyon.
He looked down for a few seconds and then went back to his magazine.
The stewardess said, "You don't seem too impressed."
The New Yorker said, "You've seen one pothole, you've seen them all!"
For the hypochondriacs --
"How's your mother," a friend asked.
"Not good," I answered. "She's got chronic frontal sinusitis."
"My goodness," the friend said. "Where did she get that?"
"Reader's Digest. Last month's issue."