This is from today's "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Calendar" - I did, however, change the names used, just in case....But the rest is verbatim.|
Printed in the Portland Oregonian:
"Each evening birdlover Tom Rowe stood in his backyard in Devon, England, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. Rowe even kept a log of the 'conversation.' Just as Rowe thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with next door neighbor, Nancy Hollis.
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married:
Merry Christmas to you and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering that I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Pearly Gates Again
Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and an lawyer, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings,"
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!"
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The lawyer then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair.
"Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that.
The lawyer then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the lawyer, "it's from my asshole."
And the lawyer went to Heaven...
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So the both rode the donkey!
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass!