Who was this Saint Valentine, anyway?
I've often wondered how patron saints are chosen. I sometimes imagine celestial arm-wrestling matches with the winners getting the best holidays, or maybe some saints just have better public relations people than others. In reality, a great deal of consideration is given when selecting a patron saint, and there are usually obvious connections between saints and their causes.|
Take our friend Valentine, for instance. Around the year A.D. 270 in Rome, emperor Claudius II outlawed marriage, fearing that married men would make inferior soldiers. Apparently approval ratings weren't quite as important in politics back then. Valentine, bishop of Interamna, invited couples to come see him and marry in secret.
Claudius, obviously not a romantic deep down inside, promptly told Valentine to renounce Christianity or face certain death. Valentine not only refused, but also tried to convert the emperor to Christianity. This so pleased Claudius that he had Valentine clubbed. Then stoned. Then beheaded. And you thought you were a martyr for love!
Happy Valentine's Day!
Two Irish lovers are sitting on a bench, in a park. They are holding hands, but the lady is nervously twisting her hands.
Mary: "Patrick. I have something to tell you."
Patrick: "Well, what's on your mind? You know you can tell me everything."
Mary: "It's so terrible."
Patrick: "You know you can trust me. What is it?"
Mary: "Well, it was a few years ago. Father lost his job, and no money in sight.."
Patrick: "So, what is it?"
Mary: "Oh. We were so desperate. For some time I had to turn ... prostitute!"
Mary: "We needed the money so bad!"
Patrick: "There is no good reason for this! Endangering your very soul! How could you? YOU! Mary, this is more than I can stand!"
Mary: "Not you, Pat! No! I thought you'd understand. I thought you could still love me, even though I had been a whore."
Patrick: "Oh!... You... Well, that's OK. For a moment I thought you said 'Protestant'!"
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.
"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."
The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."
Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"
Jon: " I'm calling because I read your ad for someone to retail canaries."
Store owner: " And you want the job?"
Jon: " No, I'd just like to know how the canaries lost their tails."
Jerry had heard a family rumor that his father, grandfather and even his great-grandfather all "walked on water" on their 21st birthday.
So, on his 21st birthday, he and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they could do it, so can I!" Jerry told Brian.
Jerry and Brian arrived at the lake and rented a boat. They paddled out to the middle. Jerry stepped off of the side boat . . . and damn near drowned.
Furious, he had Brian drive him back to the Family Farm and asked his grandmother why he hadn't been blessed with the same "gift" as the others in the family.
Grandmother took Jerry by the hands, looked into his face, and said, "That's because your father, grand-father, and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July."
One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm, knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door.
"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.
"Sure is. He's over to the cow barn."
"Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?"
"Shouldn't have any difficulties... He's the one with the beard and mustache."