The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this."

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,. . . . "They will in a minute."

At the Post Office

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'Guess who?' "

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

"I'm worried I'm losing my wife's affection." the husband told the counselor.

"Has she started to neglect or ignore you ?" he asked.

"Oh no. Not at all. She's an old fashioned girl, right out of the 50's. She meets me with a cold drink and a warm kiss at nite. My shirts are always ironed, the house is as neat as a pin, and she's a great cook. She lets me choose the TV shows, never objects to sex and does the budget."

"My God Man !" the counselor shouted. "You've got it made. What the hell are you doing in here wasting my time?"

"Well..." the husband ventured, "maybe I'm being a wee bit too sensitive, but ever since she joined this on-line group called the Wombats, at nite, when she thinks I'm asleep, she whispers 'Die ! You son-of-a-bitch. DIE !!!' in my ear."

Q: How do you get an Irishman to climb on the roof?
A: Tell him that the drinks are on the house!

The Raise

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered fat free french fries. I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.
"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat free."
"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes. . . . The fat is free!"

* Goodyear and 3M = mmmGood.

* Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil become Honey, I'm Home.

And finally, a thought sent in by a reader identified only as M. Fjetland. "Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?