A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and|
throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
A blonde left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem. The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed. She took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Another blonde came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her that she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents.
The other blonde responded, "that's not going to work unless you roll up the windows."
A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining" he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me" she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course!" he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
The man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear...
At a Mass at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the Bishop presiding noticed two Rabbis enter the church just before the service began.
They insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The Bishop wondered why they had come, but he didn't have time to inquire before the Mass began. When it came time for the announcements, the Bishop's curiosity got the better of him. He welcomed the two Rabbis and asked why they had chosen to be present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "Brides of Christ."
The elder of the Rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."
Jud ran into the old perfesser yesterday. He had been down for a few days with the flu. Jud asked him how he was feeling.
"I'm better, thanks," replied the old perfesser. "You know, it was a wonderful experience."
"Wonderful?" asked Jud. "How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well," said the old perfesser, "I learned that Mrs Perfesser really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, she ran out to meet them, 'My husband is home! My husband is home!' I could hear her telling them."
Little Johnny's father called him one day and said, "Little Johnny, Do you know who pushed over the outhouse?"
The Mini van
A woman drove a mini van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted
through a stop sign.