Another Lawyer Joke
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."|
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
A group of Allied officers sat fraternizing in a London bar. The American had been a lawyer before the war, the Englishman a doctor, the Brazilian an architect, and the Russian a mainstay of the Communist Party Organization. An argument arose as to which of their professions had been established first in the world.
"It must have been a lawyer," said the American. "Man would never have survived the first days of creation if he hadn't had a few laws to govern him."
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
An investigation into the fire that had destroyed the warehouse took almost a year. When the owner finally received word that the insurance company was ready to settle, he went to his lawyer's office to work out the details. Once there, he was astonished at the amount his lawyer wanted as a fee.
Scott showed little aptitude for the law and even less for public speaking, but neither prevented him from pursuing a career as a defense attorney. He even managed to get a job with a firm.
Finally the day came for him to argue his first capital murder case, and two senior members of his firm attended the trial. Halfway through his closing argument, there was a recess. Scott sent a note to one of the partners and asked, "What do you think my client's chances are ?"
The answer came back, "Keep talking! The longer you talk, the longer he lives."
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood. But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."