A lawyer is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."|
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em, torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"
"About two minutes ago."
The Lawyer and the Butcher
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast from the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog is running unleashed and steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 (attorneys don't carry cash).
Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer:
An invoice : Consultation........... $ 20.
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old lawyers gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us."
"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!" the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!"
A patient goes to see a surgeon about having a heart transplant. The surgeon says: "I'll give you a choice: you can either have the heart of 25-year-old marathon runner or a 60-year-old attorney at law. Which do you want?"
The patient answers, "Easy -- let me have the attorney at law's."
The surgeon, dumbfounded, says, "Why would you pick the heart of a 60-year-old attorney at law over a 25-year-old marathon runner?"
The patient replies, "I want one that's never been used."
The Haunted Castle
An intrepid photographer went to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost which was said to appear only once in a hundred years.
Not wanting to frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in the dark until midnight when the apparition became visible.
The ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for one snapshot. The happy photographer popped a bulb into his camera and took the picture.
After dashing into his studio, the photographer developed the negative and groaned. It was underexposed and completely blank.
Moral: The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.
Lucky is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter.
Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Izzy goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him.
After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."
"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!"