"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Bloke goes to the vets to pick up his sick dog

The vet comes in with the dog and says: "I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to put your dog down"

The bloke is completely horrified and say with tears in his eyes: "WHY?"

The vet goes: "Because it's getting heavy!!"

HOW WOMEN ANNOY MEN....

1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Be ambiguous. Always.
3. Cry. Cry often.
4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago... or with other boyfriends.
5. Make them apologize for everything.
6. Stash feminine products in their cars, backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
7. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
8. Get mad at them for everything.
9. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
10. Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
11. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
12. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his Little Princess.
13. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
14. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24 - 7. Compare and contrast.
15. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
16. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
17. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
18. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
19. Leave out the good parts in stories.
20. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
21. Criticize the way they dress.
22. Criticize the music they listen to.
23. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
24. Try to change them.
25. Try to mold them.
26. Try to get them to dance.
27. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
28. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting.
29. Blame everything on PMS.
30. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
31. Read into everything..
32. Over-analyze everything.

The Twins

A fellow and his wife in Muskogee, Oklahoma, where the people are all patriots, were blessed with the birth of twins, two identical girls. These twins were born on the 4th of July, and the father, being patriotic, said to his wife, "We will name them Liberty and Justice, after the pledge of alligence".

His wife said, "Are you nuts? You can't have girls going through life with names like Liberty and Justice. We are going to name them regular girl's names like Mary or Jane".

Well, the argument went on for about a month, when a compromise was reached. They would each name one of the girls. The man chose Liberty and the wife picked Elizabeth.

As the girls grew, they were so identical, they kept pulling tricks on people who couldn't tell them apart.

Finally, when they were about 18, a young man took interest in them. He would take one out on a date but he was never sure which one he was with.

He decided he would marry one of them, or both if he could get away with it, but he wasn't sure which one he would marry, if he could only get one.

He went to the girls father and explained his quandry. "I love your daughters and want to marry one of them, but I can't tell them apart, so I will leave it up to you. Give me Liberty or give me Beth".

Oh really?

A guy did system support in a law firm. One day, he had to log a user off and then back on. He entered her initials and then she gave me her password.

Her password was "genius".

After three tries and the system telling him "access denied," he asked her how to spell it.

She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."