WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.

SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY! Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

OUCH, THAT SMARTS!! A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

Believe It Or Not

These stories are alleged to be true. If so, they just prove man's stupidity. If they aren't true, they certainly are funny!

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St.. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, 14 pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later he accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

9. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Proof of stupidity

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".

2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary.Details inside".

3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box) "Do not turn upside down".

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".

11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use".

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts".

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet,eat nuts."

14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".

15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".