When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.|
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
DON'T READ THESE unless it's OK to laugh out loud! These comments come from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students and compiled at the NEA Life Sciences Symposium, Kansas City,Kansas.
As the originator noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades." Please
note that the original spelling has been left intact.
1. "The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels,of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
2. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
3. "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
4. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
5. "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
6. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
7. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
8. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
9. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
10."The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
11."Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
12."Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
13."A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
14."Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
15."The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
16."The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
17."A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
18."The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
19."A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
20."Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
21."Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
22."Liter: A nest of young puppies.
23."Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
24."Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
25."Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
26."Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
27."Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
28."Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
29."To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
30."For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
31."For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered,then kill it."
32."For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
33."To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.