Jokes

Cat goes to heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

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Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned about getting the correct name on the birth certificate. "Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?"

"Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?"

"Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his birth certificate 'Thomas.' This boy I want to name Jack."

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What us OldFs remember

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the father of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

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A guy came to his buddy's house found a huge cigarette lighter on the living room table. Amazed by the size of the lighter, the guy asked how the buddy got the lighter. "Well, there is a Genie across the street. He will grant you one wish," said the buddy.

Anxious to find out if it was true, the guy ran across the street to ask the Genie. The Genie said, "Yes, it is true that I will grant one wish."

The man thought for a moment and asked for a million bucks. The sky turned black, thunder roared and a million ducks appeared in the sky.

Angry, the guy ran back to his buddy's house. "Why didn't you tell me that damned Genie was deaf" screamed the guy!

"Well, you didn't think I asked for a 13 inch BIC did you?

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Polish know-how Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe. So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out some help-me type faxes. A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: "As your neighbours, we are deeply touched you requested our help, etc. etc, but we have no idea at all how to do it".

The German fax read: "We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it".

The Polish fax read: "As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic resuscitation. "We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually. "So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane."

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[Etusivu] [Jokes]

Päivitetty 19.10.2018 10:10
www.Jahuu.fi 2018