Jokes

The Counterfeiter

An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phony money for real cash.

He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"

The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?"

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Where's YOUR Mind?

A farmer woke up one morning to find that a few of his animals had run away. So he went to the nearest stockyard to try and replace them.

When he got there, he went in and asked for a chicken. The sales-person said, "Sure you can have a chicken, but around here we call them pullets."

Then the farmer asked for a rooster.

The salesperson said, "Sure we got roosters, but around here we call them cocks."

The farmer was about to leave when he realized it wouldn't be easy carrying all of his animals. Plus, he was tired, and so he inquired about a donkey.

The salesperson said, "Sure you can have a donkey, but around here we call them asses.

So the farmer loaded up and got ready to leave.

"Oh, one other thing," said the salesperson, "if he stops in the middle of the road, just scratch his ears, that usually gets him going again."

So off went the farmer, and sure enough, a little while later the ass stopped. Now the farmer remembered what he had been told, but since he was holding on to the other animals, he had no hand free to do the scratching! As he sat there wondering what to do, along came a fair young lady, such luck!

He called out to her, "Can you do me a favor? I really need a hand here. Could you please hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"

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Stranded Tourist

The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night.

"Well, we're a mite crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room," replied the farmer. "But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher."

"Look," said the tourist, "I want you to know I'm a gentleman."

"Well," mused the farmer, "as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher."

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"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the zookeeper.

"The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick."

This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office.

The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer quill. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size."

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"Perfesser, I want you to drink a cup of hot water every morning," the doctor ordered. "Hot water. Do you understand? A man your age needs help for his elimination."

"Of course, Doc, I understand," said the old perfesser. "That'll be easy. I've been doing it for years anyhow, only MrsPerfesser's been calling it 'coffee'."

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The old perfesser was visiting a dude ranch, and he wanted to feel "macho," so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the old perfesser tried starting a conversation:
"Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows," said the old perfesser. "There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

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Anagrams


Word                        When you rearrange the letters
------------------------------------------------------------
Dormitory                   Dirty Room
Desperation                 A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code              Here come Dots
Slot Machines               Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity                   Is No Amity
Mother-in-law               Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms               Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness               Genuine Class
Semolina                    Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries    Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point             I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes             That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two             Twelve plus one
Contradiction               Accord not in it
Astronomer                  Moon Starer
Princess Diana              End Is A Car Spin
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[Etusivu] [Jokes]

Päivitetty 19.10.2018 10:10
www.Jahuu.fi 2018