The Counterfeiter |
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An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills. He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phony money for real cash. He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?" The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?"
Where's YOUR Mind? A farmer woke up one morning to find that a few of his animals had run away. So he went to the nearest stockyard to try and replace them. When he got there, he went in and asked for a chicken. The sales-person said, "Sure you can have a chicken, but around here we call them pullets." Then the farmer asked for a rooster. The salesperson said, "Sure we got roosters, but around here we call them cocks." The farmer was about to leave when he realized it wouldn't be easy carrying all of his animals. Plus, he was tired, and so he inquired about a donkey. The salesperson said, "Sure you can have a donkey, but around here we call them asses. So the farmer loaded up and got ready to leave. "Oh, one other thing," said the salesperson, "if he stops in the middle of the road, just scratch his ears, that usually gets him going again." So off went the farmer, and sure enough, a little while later the ass stopped. Now the farmer remembered what he had been told, but since he was holding on to the other animals, he had no hand free to do the scratching! As he sat there wondering what to do, along came a fair young lady, such luck! He called out to her, "Can you do me a favor? I really need a hand here. Could you please hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"
Stranded Tourist The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night. "Well, we're a mite crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room," replied the farmer. "But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher." "Look," said the tourist, "I want you to know I'm a gentleman." "Well," mused the farmer, "as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher."
"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the zookeeper. "The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick." This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer quill. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size."
"Perfesser, I want you to drink a cup of hot water every morning," the doctor ordered. "Hot water. Do you understand? A man your age needs help for his elimination." "Of course, Doc, I understand," said the old perfesser. "That'll be easy. I've been doing it for years anyhow, only MrsPerfesser's been calling it 'coffee'."
The old perfesser was visiting a dude ranch, and he wanted to feel "macho," so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the old perfesser tried starting a conversation: Anagrams Word When you rearrange the letters ------------------------------------------------------------ Dormitory Dirty Room Desperation A Rope Ends It The Morse Code Here come Dots Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em Animosity Is No Amity Mother-in-law Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness Genuine Class Semolina Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes That Queer Shake Eleven plus two Twelve plus one Contradiction Accord not in it Astronomer Moon Starer Princess Diana End Is A Car Spin
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