Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.|
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.
The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"
Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."
I sent my best friend, who is one month older then me, a not-so-subtle jab at his turning 40 by means of a gift-wrapped CD by the popular British Reggae group UB40.
A month later he sent me my own birthday gift--the latest release from the Irish rock group U2. (John Davis)
The old perfesser comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through the doorway, MrsPerfesser snaps at him, "What's the big idea coming home half drunk?"
At The Airport
During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it.
Everyone was then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for them. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement:
"We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time."
A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.
"Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?" she asked the instructor."
P-U-T-T is correct," he replied." P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. And P-U-T-T means a vain attempt to do the same thing."
The Internal Revenue Service in the United States
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
A Blonde goes over to her friends' house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.
"Why are you wearing a Thank God it's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?"
"Oh dam!" the blonde says, "I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."
A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. Very proud she came home and put it on. She then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?" she asked.
Her mother replied "If I wore that when I was your age, you would have been 5 years older."
Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.
"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free."
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . . "I'm not free. I'm four."
"Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window."
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."