A Programmer's Guide to Languages

Any budding programmers amongst you are probably bewildered by all the different languages available to you. What language should you use for what project? Here are a few suggestions to be going on with.

Knitting : Perl
Humourous : Tcl
Horse Racing : Forth
Starbucks : Java
Chat client : Smalltalk
Marine navigation : C
Marine/Aviation navigation : C+
Marine/Aviation/Space navigation : C++
Car Racing : VRML
Graphics : Visual Basic
Reptiles : Python
Speech recognition : Lisp

Manuals for these programs : Anything but English

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Upgrading to Wife 1.0

Last a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes, which is further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialisation where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BachelorParty 2.5 and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plugins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also system performance seems to diminish each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

? A "don't remind me again button"
? Minimise button
? The ability to delete the "headache" file
? An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss of other system resources

An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the systems hardware probe to be much more useful/effective.

I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.

Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 & 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.


All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1. won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and 'never' run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems.

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T.O.P. takes a Vacation

The old perfesser was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
The old perfesser said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

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A man walks into a film theatre with an elephant.
The usher shouts at him, "Hey! you can't bring an elephant in here!"
The man is ticked off as he goes out.
Five minutes later he returns with the elephant. The elephant has a slice of bread in each ear.
The usher once again accosts him, "Are you deaf?? I told you, no elephants!"
The man looked at him and replied, "Are you gonna tell me what I can put in my sandwiches?"

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Results are in on a project to which transportation officials, with the help of auto makers, installed black boxes to four wheel trucks in an effort to determine circumstances in the last 15 minutes before a crash.

Officials were surprised that in 46 of 50 states the variations were to varied, it was difficult to establish a trend. Only the states of Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, and Louisiana were different, where the last words of nearly 98% of the times were, "Hold my beer and watch this."

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[Etusivu] [Jokes]

Päivitetty 19.10.2018 10:12 2023