A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $100,000 loan to take a vacation."|
Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall -- bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $100,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?......"
The bank manager looks at the timy pink elephant and says to the teller, "It's a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone....."
A young army doctor was stationed at a remote dispensary in the South Pacific. One day he was puzzled about treatment for one of his patients.
He radioed a base hospital: "Have case of beriberi. What shall I do?"
A prankster must have gotten hold of the message. This was the reply: "Give it to the Marines. They'll drink anything."
Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."
Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"
Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."
Honk if you love Jesus
The other day I went to the local religious bookstore and I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience.
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord. I didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked. I found lots of people who loved Jesus...and, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled "Jesus Christ", as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting (Go, Jesus Christ, Go).
Everyone else started honking to, so I leaned out my window and waved to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling about a "Sunny Beach" and saw him waving a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my two kids what that meant? They kinda squirmed and looked at each other and giggled and told me it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and give him the good luck sign right back!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they really wanted to pray!
But just then I noticed that the light had changed and I stepped on the gas and am I glad I did this because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there, I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian, good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
A man goes to his lawyer and says "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer says "Don't worry, leave it all to me".
The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice - but I'd like to leave a little to my children too".
A large family, with seven children, moved to a new city. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family. After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment.
After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right. Then the landlord asked the usual question: "How many children do you have?"
The father answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."
He got the apartment.
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!"
Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"