"What? You mean my foot has to be amputated?"

"Oh, no, no," replied the good doctor, "I mean you have to lose a foot from around your waistline!"

The Christmas Hobby Horse

A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. However it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.

Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.

The judge was very stern with the woman.
"You are the wife of this man," he said severely. "You knew he was a burglar when you married him?"
"Yes," she replied. "I wasn't getting any younger, and I had to choose between a burglar and a lawyer."

A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I missed you at service this morning," the pastor says.
"Well, Reverend", the farmer says, "I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."

Short history of medicine

- Doctor, I have an earache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Man's Three Rules When Getting Old....

* Never pass a bathroom,

* Don't waste a hard-on,

* And never trust a fart.

Two blondes

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?!"

Excerpts from Letters Sent to Landlords

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he found a frog.
The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.
The student said it was dead.
The teacher asked how he knew.
The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear."
The teacher said, "You what?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."

Q. What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
A. They both have the same middle name.