It's my son
A man pleaded with the psychiatrist, "You've got to help me. It's my son."|
"What's the matter?"
"He's always eating mud pies. I get up in the morning and there he is in the backyard eating mud pies. I come hoes at lunch and he's eating mud pies. I come home at dinner and there he is in the backyard eating mud pies."
The psychiatrist reassured him, "Give the kid a chance. It's all part of growing up. It'll pass."
"Well, I don't like it, and neither does his wife."
A couple of clams were eating chocolate bars while two fish watched.
You Should See My Pants
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!!!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing! He should see the BACK of MINE!"
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older,
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."
The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning. We're out of chocolate,"
"In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."
"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."
"Then just give me some chocolate," he says.
Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?"
The man says, "V-A-N."
"Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."
"Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."
The man hesitates. Then he says. "There is no stink in chocolate."
"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.
Punctuation Is Everything
If 'con' is the opposite of 'pro',... then what is the opposite of progress?
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"