"Where are you going?" asks Joan.

"I'm going to San Jose," says the geek, "to a UNIX convention."

Later, Joan's husband picks her up at the airport. "How was the flight?" he asks.

"Oh, fine," says Joan. "I sat next to this guy I felt really sorry for."

"Why'd you feel sorry for him?"

"He didn't have any testicles."

"What?!" says the husband. "And just how did you learn *that*?"

"Because," says Joan, "he said he was going to a eunuchs' convention."

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'

"Performance Appraisal Terms And Their Real Meanings"

Good Communication Skills - Spends a lot of time on phone

Average Employee - Not too bright

Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet

Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially - Drinks a lot

Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too

Independent Worker - Nobody knows what s/he does

Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses

Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision

Aggressive - Obnoxious

Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it

Expresses Him/herself Well - Speaks English

Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker

Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice

Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky

Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Career Minded - Back Stabber

Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else

The following story is told about a United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, who was confronted by a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo:

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton Airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the front of the line. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

The folks behind him in line began laughing hysterically. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.

The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.

I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar. "Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."