The cop replied, "It's one o'clock," and bonked him on the head with his baton.

"Jeez," said Paddy. "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago!"

Fortune teller

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"

Technology Terms For Country Folk

How Country Folk "Talk Technology"

1. LOG ON: Makin' a wood stove hotter.

2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

3. MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.

4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck.

5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin' the farwood.

6. FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin' to carry too much farwood.

7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time.

9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.

10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside.

11. SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season.

12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.

13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.

15. MODEM: Whutcha did to the hay fields.

16. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

17. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.

18. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes.

19. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.

20. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

It was a messy divorce. The wife had charged adultery and paraded a dozen witness in front of the Judge. Each witness reluctantly testified in great detail. The wife was awarded a hefty amount of alimony. At the end of the trial the former husband just smiled at her.

"What are you smiling about, you idiot? I just took you for a bundle." she stormed.

"Yeah, I guess you did." he replied, grinning wider. "But a movie producer in the courtroom offered me 10 million for the rights to the screenplay. And "The Enquirer" just bought the rights to the transcript for another five million."

Airplane humor

Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on the airlines.....

~~~ From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee....

~~~ Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

~~~ Overheard by a guy giving rides: "Sorry about the rough landing, but I'm practicing for a job at SAS. Next time I'll try to lose your luggage."

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"