Jokes

JOB APPLICANT SPEAK

What they say... and what they really mean...

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO:
I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:
I'm a college drop-out.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:
Wait! Don't throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

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The New Pastor

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10" . Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked"

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well, wash your damn hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

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Why Cats Are Better Than Men

A cat always hits the litterbox.

You have a better chance of training a cat.

You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.

If you ask enough times, a cat may actually LISTEN to you.

You can de-claw a cat.....try to get a guy to clip his toenails.

It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.

A cat knows you're the key to his happiness....a man thinks He is.

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Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

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[Etusivu] [Jokes]

Päivitetty 19.10.2018 18:48
www.Jahuu.fi 2018