What Every Man Expects In A Wife:
She will always be beautiful and cheerful. |
She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it's good for her figure.
She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
She will hate charge cards.
Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, Dear?"
She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
She will love you because you're so sexy.
What He Usually Gets....
She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
She was once a model for a totem pole.
Where there's smoke, there she is-- cooking.
She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say.
No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.
Moore on Insurance
The Yuppette, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employees' pay.
She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."
"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits." the interviewer replied.
The Yuppette shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well" said the vet "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at it's eyes.
"Well" Says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down"
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.
"No, because he's heavy" says the vet.
"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm Street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course."
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
A policeman was on patrol when he came upon a line of cars stopped at a light with horns blasting. The light directing that lane of traffic was green. He pulled out of line and stopped alongside of the first car in line to see what the problem was.
The car was driven by an elderly woman. He asked her why she was stopped when the light was green.
She said, "Oh, because I'm on my way to my sister's house which is that way." and she pointed to the right.
The motorcycle cop said, "Well go ahead! The light is green."
The elderly woman responded with, "Yes I know, but the sign under the light says 'RIGHT TURN ON RED.'
A Jealous Husband
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"