The Deer Hunter |
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This guy was deer hunting in North Carolina. He shoots a deer, and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by this redneck Game Warden who asks to see his hunting license. The hunter shows him the license, and is about to leave when the Game Warden says "Not so fast, Boy. I need to inspect the deer." The Game Warden then reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out then sniffs his finger. The Game Warden gets angry then says "Wait a minute Boy! This here ain't no North Carolina deer; this here is a Virginia deer! You need to have a Virginia Hunting License to hunt this deer. You got a Virginia Hunting License on you Boy?" Well, it just so happens that the guy had been hunting in Virginia the week before. He goes back into his wallet hand pulls out a Virginia Hunting License. The Game Warden looks at the valid license and disappointingly says, "Well.... OK, I guess I'll have to let you go. I really do enjoy writing up Boys like you who hunt deer without a license, but you look like you got everything in order. So go on; get out of here." The following week, the guy is hunting again. He shoots another deer and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by the same Game Warden who says "Just a minute Boy. I need to inspect the deer." He reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out, sniffs his finger and says "Boy! This here is a South Carolina deer! You got a South Carolina Hunting License?" The Hunter, somewhat surprised, said that he had one in the truck. He goes and gets it out of the glove box, shows it to the Game Warden, who again has to let him go. So this goes on for the next three weeks. Each week the hunter shoots a deer; one from Georgia, Tennessee, and West Virginia. Each time the Game Warden stops to do the Finger Test, and each time the hunter is able to produce the correct license. Finally, after the West Virginia deer, the Game Warden is furious: "Boy! You got a hunting license from every state in the south! Where the hell are you from, anyway?" The hunter drops his pants, bends over and says "You Tell Me!" On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man. One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor. "There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest." "How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky farmer asked. "Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped." The Optimist Farmer and the Pessimist Neighbor One day the sun was shinning brightly and the optimist said, "Great day, eh?" The pessimist said, "The stupid sun will burn the crops." The next day it rained. Again the optimist tried to engage his friend, but the pessimist's only response was: "Stinking rain will wash out all the seed!" So the optimist took his friend duck hunting, which he loved. After the first duck was shot the optimist dispatched his dog to fetch the duck. The dog ran on top of the water, picked up the duck and ran back. The optimist exclaimed "Did you see that?" The pessimist replied, "Dog can't swim, eh?" Jose reported for his final examination which consisted of Yes/No answers. He took his seat in the examination hall, stared at the question paper, and then in a bit of inspiration, took a coin out of his pocket. He started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "No" for tails. Within 30 minutes he was finished, whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, Jose frantically started flipping the coin again. The moderator, concerned about what he was doing, stopped by his desk and asked if he was ok. "Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago--but," explaining the frantic coin tossing, "I'm going back through and checking my answers!" Little Johnny is on a school field trip to the zoo. He spots a deer. Being a city kid he's never seen one before, so he asks his teacher, "What's that, Miss Figpot?" The teacher decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your Mom calls your Dad, Johnny." Little Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss Figpot, I know that ain't a pig!"
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