A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments. "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."|
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"
A drunk gets on a bus and asks the conductor how long the trip is between New York to Boston.
"About 3 hours," says the conductor.
"Okay," says the drunk, "then how long is the trip between Boston to New York?"
The irate conductor says to the drunk, "It's still about 3 hours, man. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?"
"Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's to Christmas!"
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready - all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat shoots back into the house.
Not wanting their often rowdy cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi, and said "Sorry I took so long, the stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
Mr. & Mrs. Smith have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr. Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited four of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night. The wife is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four. The husband explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife.
Since this is there first party, the husband consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake.
This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.
Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.
Hubby says, "Why don't you just double the recipe?"
She decides that is a good idea.
At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic.
"I just can't do it," wifey weeps. "It's impossible."
"Now, now, what's the matter?"
"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."
"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?"
"Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."
"Well," hubby says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour --what is the problem?"
"It isn't the ingredients," wife sobs, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven, and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"
Q: What do you call a 300 pound woman in Minnesota?