"Did you hear that Flanagan invented an invisible deodorant?"|
"No, what good is it?"
"Well if you use it, you vanish and no one knows where the smell is coming from!"
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
Where am I?
A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to the spot where he stood. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer.
"Do you know how I can get to Route 41?" the driver asked.
The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope."
"Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" the driver asked.
"How about the town of Crossville. Do you know which direction it is from here?"
Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very much, do you?!" he said.
"Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost."
Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.
Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"
Goldberg says, "I'll tell him."
The Birthday Gift
A rich man was trying to find a good birthday gift for his daughter when he saw a poor man leading a beautiful white horse. He told the man he would give him $500 for the horse.
The man replied, "I don't know, mister, it don't look so good," and he walked away.
The next day the rich man came back and offered the man $1000 for the horse.
The man replied, "I don't know, mister, it don't look so good."
On the third day, the rich man came and offered $2,000 for the horse and said he wouldn't take no for an answer this time.
The poor man agreed to the sale and the rich man took the horse.
The rich man's daughter loved her birthday present.
She climbed onto the horse's back, urged the horse to go and the horse galloped right into a tree.
The rich man hurried to the poor man's house and demanded an explanation for the horse's blindness.
The poor man said, "I told you it don't look so good."
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.