Jokes

When a lie would have been better...

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How are you? We've been waiting for you. Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked. "Love."

The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation, and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

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The regulars in a neighborhood bar had gotten very used to the little dog that had been hanging around the place since anyone could remember. Therefore, they were all very sad when the dog was run over and killed. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the dog's constantly wagging tail.

The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the Pearly Gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going.

The little dog said "I have been a good dog. I am going into heaven where I belong."

Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail. Where is your tail?"

The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. St. Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. Rules were rules.

To avoid attracting too much attention, the little dog went back down to earth in the middle of the night. He materialized in the bar and was immediately noticed by the bartender, who always stayed late to clean up.

"My goodness, it is the ghost of the little dog! What can I do for you?" asked the bartender.

The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back.

The bartender answered, "I would really like to help you, but I am afraid you're too late."

"Why not?" asked the dog?"

The bartender replied, "My liquor license doesn't allow me to re-tail spirits after hours!"

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Yesterday - Beatle's Song - PC Version : )

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
There's a milestone,
hanging over me,
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong,
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone,
And I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller

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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman

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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

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Päivitetty 19.10.2018 19:18
www.Jahuu.fi 2018