The Perfect Husband
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone hat was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
- "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"
- "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
- "What's the price?"
- "Only $1,500.00"
- "Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
- "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price....and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
- "What price did he quote you?"
- "Only $60,000..."
- "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
- "Great! Before we hang up, something else...."
- "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and....I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
- "How much are they asking?"
- "Only $450,000....a magnificent price and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover...."
- "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
- "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later! I love you!"
- "Bye....I do too...."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises is hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
- "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
Drunk & chemicals
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
Why do our kids have to take the Iowa Test for Basic Skills? Why can't we have a Georgia Test of Basic Skills with questions like, "Bubba's got three cars and he done traded for two more. How many cement blocks is Bubba gonna need?"
First I was a good boy
Then I was a big kid
Then I was a nice Guy
Then I was a dirty old man
Now I'm just an old Fart.