Jokes

The Best Fruit Cake Ever Ingredients:
1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup nuts
1 or 2 quarts of aged whiskey

Before you start, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Good, isn't it?

Now go ahead and select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.

Check the whiskey again as it must be just right. To be sure the whiskey is of the highest quality, pour 1 level cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.

Repeat.

With an electic mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat the hell out of it again. Meanwhile, at this parsnicular point in time, wake sure that the whixey hasn't gone bad while you weren't lookin'. Open second quart if nestessary.

Add 2 large leggs, 2 cups fried druit an beat til high. If druit gets shtuck in peaters, just pry the monsters loosh with a drewscriver.

Example the whikstey again, shecking confistancy, then shitf 2 cups of salt or destergent or whatever, like anyone gives a schit.

Chample the whitchey shum more.

Shitf in shum lemon zhoosh. Fold in chopped sputter and shrained nuts. Add 100 babblespoons of brown booger or whushever's closhest and mix well.

Greash ubben and turn the cakey pan to 350 decrees. Now pour the whole mesh into the washin' machine and set on sinsh shycle.
Check dat whixney wunsh more and pash out.

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From a US school board of the early 1900's

  1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.

  2. You are not to keep company with men.

  3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function.

  4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.

  5. You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board.

  6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is father or brother.

  7. You may not smoke cigarettes.

  8. You may not dress in bright colors.

  9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.

  10. You must wear at least two petticoats.

  11. Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.

  12. To keep the school room neat and clean, you must sweep the floor at least once daily; scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water; clean the blackboards at least once a day; and start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.


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Management Truths

Scenario: The Managements wants all projects delivered....on time.

CEO: "I will give you as many people you need. But I definitely want the project delivered in 3 months."

Software Project Manager: "I will give you 9 women, give me a baby in one month."

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To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

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Q: What do you call a 300 pound woman in Minnesota?
A: Anorexic

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Why are men are like public toilets?
The good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.

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[Etusivu] [Jokes]

Päivitetty 19.10.2018 19:19
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