Three Old Men
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.|
The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" ask the others.
"I don't wake up until nine!"
A street person approached a passerby. "Sir, would you give me $100 for a cup of coffee?"
"That's ridiculous!" the man said huffily.
"Just a yes or no, buddy," the beggar growled. "I don't need a damn lecture about how to run my business."
A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
This boaj* had a terrible cold.
"Have you seen a doctor about that cold?" asked his friend.
"No," said the boaj, "But I probably should. Do you know a good doctor?"
The friend gave him the name of his own doctor and assured him that he'd be in good hands. About a week later, they met again and the friend wasn't sure if the cold was really better. "Did you see my doctor?" he inquired.
"Oh, yeah," replied the boaj. "He was a really nice guy!"
"Well, did he give you something to help your cold"?
"Sure did!" the boaj answered, somewhat enthusiastically. "He told me to drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath."
"Well, did it help?"
"How do I know?" the boaj retorted. "I haven't even finished drinking the bath yet!"
New Year's Resolutions/Goals
The Basic Difference: HER (X) / HIS(Y)
X: Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Y: One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend)
X: ONLY one chocolate bar per week
Y: ONLY three nights at topless bar per week
X: Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Y: Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote
X: Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Y: Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing list
X: Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Y: Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing
X: Get organized/clean house
Y: Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)
X: Buy new Daily Planner
Y: Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture
X: Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Y: Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance
X: Read More / Less TV
Y: Buy Dish - More sports channels!!
X: Plan budget / Save more money
Y: Only three nights at topless bar per week
Maury: Pauly, have you done you evil deed today?
Pauly: Sure I have.
Maury: What have you done?
Pauly: I helped The Old Perfesser cross the road.
Maury: You helped The Old Perfesser cross the road???
Pauly: That's right.
Maury: And what's evil in that?
Pauly: A 16-wheeler truck.