My Knee Hurts
Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doc, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"|
The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?"
"98!" Johnson announced proudly.
The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You're practically one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"
The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it don't hurt!"
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!" The big 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing and I didn't stop."
Autopsy Lecture A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger."
This is an account of an actual conversation between a reservation Indian and the owner of the local trading post:
"Hi there Limpid Lizard, what can I get for you today?"
"Need toilet paper."
"Sure thing there.We have Charmin that's soft and scented and costs $1.99 for six rolls or we have generic, that means that it doesn't have a name, and it's not as soft and doesn't have a scent and that's only 99 cents.
What'll it be?"
"No name good enough."
"No, you don't understand, Limpid Lizard.It's known as generic, not no name.You'll be hearing that description more and more so you'd better get familiar with it."
"Whatever. It good enough."
The very next day the Indian returns to the trading post and announces to the owner, "Have name for no name toilet paper."
"It doesn't have a name" replies the exasperated owner.
"Ugh.Call him John Wayne Toilet Paper."
"Why in the world would you call it that? It's generic", responds the owner.
"Ugh.It rough. It tough. Don't take no shit off of Indian!"
The old perfesser says to the missus on a Satiddy morning, "That Bear's such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning!"
MrsPerfesser replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that."
The old perfesser responded smugly, "But we've never subscribed to any papers!"
John, an engineer at a manufacturing company, was well respected for his engineering knowledge. When a new computer system was put in to help with the engineering duties, the brass at the company was given a demonstration of the new systems abilities. To give the computer as test, the brass asked the computer a solve a difficult engineering equation.
The computer promptly responded back with the perfect answer:
- Ask John.