The Schitt Lineage
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt," but now you can handle this situation with confidence! |
Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it...
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.
The old perfesser was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.
Having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, or poopin' on the porch of his trailer, T.O.P. was really getting aggravated. Two weeks later, the other old perfesser was visiting, and noticed the old perfesser's flower beds were doing great. The flowers were all beginning to bloom. So the other old perfesser asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you ever make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"
"Wasn't all 'at hard," said the old perfesser. "One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your freakin' cat!"
A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After being sworn in, the lawyer asked him to explain what happened. After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident, he finally got around to the meat of the case.
"...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."
"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.
"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."
QUESTIONS FOR GOD
A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen. So he asked, "God, are you listening?"
And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here."
The man stopped and pondered some more. He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?"
God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you."
So the man continued to walk and to ponder ... walk and ponder ... Then he looked to the sky again and said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "My son, my son ... a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little."
The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replied, "In a second."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."